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Post by Riza Hawkeye on Feb 23, 2007 15:06:42 GMT -5
Riza stopped short for a moment when he called her by her name... he hadn't called her Riza for a very long time and he only seemed to call her that when he was annoyed or angered... Did he realize that calling her that only in anger or frustration hurt? She was as human as him, men...
"Some people need to stop wallowing in a pool of their own self-pity, Colonel Mustang," She replied, hands on her hips, glaring at the man in front of her, "Freedom is something no one has, you think I am any more free than you?!?! If anything I am the one caged in, I live to protect you and the secret of your power, carved into my flesh by my own father for you someday!! You mope, and feel sorry for yourself, with out realizing the consequences your action have on the people around you!"
Riza had never been more tempted to slap the man in front of her, she lived her life around his, to protect, to help and to support him, thanklessly and with out fail. This was no longer her life, she had no social life, just a beloved dog to go home to. She didn't have someone to love, she didn't date, she did everything for him. She stopped again, watched his retreating back, then bent down and picked up Black Hayate. Burying her face into his fur she lost herelf in her thoughts of the past and future...or prehaps lack there of. Didn't he realize she carried just as large a burden on her back as he did.
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Roy Mustang
Junior Member
Flame Alchemist
No One Really Wins this Time
Posts: 73
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Post by Roy Mustang on Feb 23, 2007 23:23:53 GMT -5
The scratch of boots slipping on the pavement signaled Riza's stop. This action put Roy on alert as he had continued only a few more steps ahead before he had stopped too. After he had stopped he got the gut feeling that he shouldn't have stopped. Stopping meant confronting the issue. He knew damn well why she had stopped and now he was only embracing their problem and admitting something was wrong.
Her words hit him hard, her attacks had always been like ice, strong supported and cold. Roy paled considerably as he felt anger rushing through his veins while grief and the feeling of guilt surged alongside it. He held remorse now for thinking in such a manner as to provoke said conversation. He hadn't wanted to reach his hand into this line of thought tonight, no it seemed like it was far to late to be discussing things of this manner. Riza had that daunting ability to turn any conversation that they had upon him. Roy couldn't be the victim in her eyes to a certain extent, he was the oppressor a good amount of the time when their thoughts were verbalized. Perhaps it was just another of the those "things" that came tagged to the rank. Something that he would have to accept, an unwritten burden. Or maybe it was just the little game that they had been playing since they were old enough to comprehend such a game with such set rules.
For once Roy seemed to be at a lose of words, he had nothing to say, nothing seemed to fit the occasion. Now he did regret using those words, but that was the way he felt, he was trapped, he was drowning. He was inflicting these wounds upon himself, taking it out on the only person that he could abuse at the moment. Roy turned on his heel, he was now facing her. He had no idea where the strength to face her had come from. He could feel himself burning, the conversation was enough to light him on fire, he had no idea what the emotions were but they weren't happiness and it didn't seem to be anger. Roy felt a light with sorrow, a deep kind of traced regret that possibly dated as far back as he could remember. He felt responsible for a lot of things, and this was one of them.
She knows. She has known all these years. Why fight it if it has been true? But it's not pity, it's regret, it's denial, it's the guilt. That feeling...[/color]
It would have been easy if Roy had had control of his own words at that moment, but it wasn't going to happen. He could never understand women and this situation only seemed to complicate the image that he had formed of them within his mind. Did she really understand? It wasn't the self-pity that was the problem, it was the guilt.
"I'm very much aware of the repurcusions of my actions, Lieutenant. Call me selfish but when you kill someone you have to live with it for the rest of your life." It was a hot-headed thing to say, but Roy was thinking of other things. He felt that if he lived in a sort of shielded denial, and kept on shedding his own blood maybe he could repent. The guilt was the worse, it sat like a rock in the bottom of his stomach accumulating like a great mass all those years. The guilt had been enough to drive him insane some nights. There was more yet, more that needed to be said. "These skills.... these talents they.... weren't meant to murder, they were meant to protect." This was hard to get out because somehow the line between protection and murder had been blurred years before. They murdered to protect, they protected by murdering, was it the same thing?
I asked her for her loyalty, she gave me her life. What am I doing?[/color]
"....Your Father knew this, and now I do too." A piece of him had gone missing, he hadn't returned whole. But no one had survived, it was the ultimate exodus going over there and experiancing a sort of spirtual annihilation of all that ever mattered. Murder was murder no matter what name it went under it was still a crime, a sin, a wrong to man kind, and something that provoked guilt if not just bloodshed.
He told me to protect you, so why are you the one who's watching over me? Why does it have to be reversed, why can't I tell you this? I promised...... I promised I would never tell. I can't tell you. You just need to know this, but I can't tell you.[/color]
Roy was still stuck amidst thoughts of the war. Tonight it seemed like a never ending scenario that would be forever raging inside his mind.
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Post by Riza Hawkeye on Feb 24, 2007 11:10:30 GMT -5
Riza slowly looked up from Black Hayate, her amber eyes were cold and angry, no pity shinned in them. "You think I don't know that? You think I do not feel the pain of murdering hundreds of innocents? I do this, this job to protect you!! You and your --- and MY beliefs!! But that still doesn't make all this right. Why do you think I live my life alone, I don't seek comfort in the arms of a one night stand, with someone who doesn't know my name! I face my pain, I don't hide!"
She stomped towards him till she was inches away from the Colonel, "This is just as much my fault as it is yours! My father warned us years ago, that we shouldn't join the military, that our skill would go to waste and we would be left broken and shattered. You were the first to leave, the one with enough courage to live your life how YOU wanted to live. You inspired me and that's why I followed you and vowed to protect you. My father expelled you as his student and I as his daughter, the past is the past and our future is how we make it, so stop wallowing and do something good with the future you have!!"
Why, why did he always insist on drowning in the past, and blaming himself. It wasn't always his fault, so why did he insist it was? She turned away from him, and took a deep breathe and attempted to calm her temper, "Do you know... why I started growing out my hair after the war? ...it is because... if a woman makes a promise she allows her hair to grow until that promise has been kept... do you understand any of this?"
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Roy Mustang
Junior Member
Flame Alchemist
No One Really Wins this Time
Posts: 73
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Post by Roy Mustang on Feb 24, 2007 15:36:21 GMT -5
It was true. She did know. Every since that day that Maes Hughes had come over and smacked some sense into him Roy had gone about reconstructing his life. The one thing that he couldn't do yet though was to be left alone. So he built a meticulously constructed reputation around being a womanizer, just so he wouldn't have to be alone. His day was like clockwork in this sense, it was a fresh date every night and than a continuation back to his place. It was the only way that he could sleep at night most of the time. He needed someone by his side to watch him, not only because he than wouldn't have the option of doing something stupid but also because he couldn't bare to be by himself. When he was alone his thoughts were infested with thoughts that he would rather not dwell upon. But these thoughts only happened after he spent long periods of time alone now. At the beginning they had been much worse in their frequency and habits. As he got older things grew more distant as he started to slowly detach himself from the past. Tonight though it felt like everything had come rushing back, old scars were slit open to fester and bleed.
'You were the first to leave, the one with enough courage to live your life how YOU wanted to live. You inspired me and that's why I followed you and vowed to protect you. My father expelled you as his student and I as his daughter, the past is the past and our future is how we make it, so stop wallowing and do something good with the future you have!!'
She's right, she's never been so right. You need to snap out of this right now and stand up because she needs you to be strong. You know she needs you to be strong. Stop acting so weak. Stop fighting it, but don't let it consume you.
They might as well have been in the same boat for all Roy knew. Right now all he cared about was settling this situation was making it calm again. He hadn't realized that his words would have caused Hawkeye to react as she did, and he now he even regretted uttering them. Her words were bringing back memories, not only of the war, but also of his Teacher -- her father. How long had it been since he had seen that man? It must have been almost over two decades it not just one. Roy found that it was better just to remain quiet for the moment, to ride out the storm and let her speak. Obviously she needed to talk about it, maybe that was why she had pursued the issue so fiercely well Roy would have been better off it had never been mentioned again. Roy stood rooted to the spot, onyx eyes focusing in her direction waiting for her to say more. He looked willing and eager to listen to her because he knew how important this must be to her.
A promise? She made a promise, she's keeping a promise.
".....Yes. I understand ....." Roy replied his voice sounded dry, he felt sick to his stomach this conversation brought back so many unsavory memories. "I joined thinking I was protecting something without realizing that I had nothing left to protect. Because the one thing that I was told to protect -- I think that I ruined that a long time ago." A sad sort of grin had broken through the masked expressionless features of Roy Mustang. It was meant for Hawkeye if she could follow his words than she would know too.
I'm sorry.... it's my fault you're here. It's my fault that I'm still here. I wish you could know how sorry I am.[/color]
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Post by Riza Hawkeye on Feb 25, 2007 11:23:06 GMT -5
As she listened to what the Colonel had to say, she sighed. Then Riza turned to face Mustang, she stared at him again for a long moment, watching his face, "Oh Colonel, You fool, you absolute fool, there you go again blaming yourself again, I can tell by the look on your face. Please don't blame yourself anymore, we all do what we have to do survive, and to keep our dreams and faiths alive."
Riza paused a moment gathering her words for what she should say next, "Sir, as long as you have a dream you will have something to protect. You have a dream, a good and noble dream, one worth protecting and protecting you for all the way till the end. That's why we follow you and will always follow you, no matter how you act, what you say or if you give up. We will always be here to help you up and to support you."
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Roy Mustang
Junior Member
Flame Alchemist
No One Really Wins this Time
Posts: 73
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Post by Roy Mustang on Feb 27, 2007 22:40:30 GMT -5
Roy had turned on his heel now, his back was facing her again. It was no use trying to talk tonight, the words that needed to be said that were pushing against him wouldn't be said. Tonight wasn't the night to say them, it was a worthless attempt to get something going again. Hope seemed like a distant sort of light that was forever dragging Roy towards it. Every now and than it seemed to get closer, but the closer he got the further away it begun to seem.
Pretend. Do it for her sake. Do it for everyone around you. Do it for yourself.[/color]
His mind was issuing another command, one that wasn't easily followed. He wanted so desperately to ignore that voice in the back of his mind, the one that always seemed to know what was best. But today he would allow himself to succumb to it once more. Just this once because the thoughts were still to premature to be expressed. Even after over ten years, Roy still considered himself a failure in too many departments. He was still avidly failing in the communication department, even though he could be a smooth talker whenever he wanted too.
"Let's get back to the office." Roy said, there was a power in his tone that hadn't been there before. The old commanding edge that he had lost this morning when he had come to work. It seemed like he had brushed the dirt off of it and had put it into working order again.
You can do this...[/color]
It was the only thing Roy COULD do, after all was said and done he would ignore the things that were still eating away at him after all these years. He was walking bait, but as long as he had something to believe in something that he held so closely and that he wanted to protect than he was fine with all the obligations that followed it. So what if he were damned to an eternal lifetime of bitter thoughts and bad memories? It was merely one step to saving the lives of millions. And that was the line of thinking that made him ambitious, outrageous, and purely a genius. Not to mention a man that could survive anything, especially this. The office was in sight now, Roy felt deep inside that he had never been so happy to see the grey structure of Eastern City Headquarters.
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Post by Riza Hawkeye on Feb 28, 2007 20:14:38 GMT -5
Riza froze surprised at the sudden change of tone and dirrection of the conversation, "But Sir--... never mind... fine."
She followed absently feeling a little hurt, Why can't you learn to trust those around you with your feelings as well as your life...
She watched Roy's rigid back, she knew where his thoughts lay, and she watched as he relaxed as the office came into site, he thought this was totally over but this conversation would come up again, she knew it would, it always did.
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Roy Mustang
Junior Member
Flame Alchemist
No One Really Wins this Time
Posts: 73
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Post by Roy Mustang on Mar 2, 2007 17:51:25 GMT -5
Roy walked onwards towards the offices, he was gaining back his haughty composure at an alarmingly unhuman rate. Nothing bothered him again -- like water sliding off an oily surface everything slipped his mind now.
Focus. Focus. Focus.[/color]
Calming himself down was something that he was getting good at, after all those years of fighting who wouldn't be? Roy masked his shallow breathing by taking larger steps, he was so close. He heard Hawkeye's hesitation, hell he could sense it because he knew her that well. But she wouldn't pursue the topic now, because for now it appeared that Roy was fixed that he was 'himself' again. For now he was fine, but tonight he would secretly let himself slip again. Another drinking binge looked like a promising way to clear his mind, maybe tonight's date should be rescheduled?
The grey concrete of the office building looming over the cracked pavement had never looked more like haven, as Roy approached the door. The building was connected in a detached way to the elegant structure of Eastern HQ, which was hovering in the middle of a barbed wire enforced fence over six feet high. The soldier stationed in the back entrance of the building waved them by with a simple salute, which Roy returned in a brisk manner. He would finish all that paperwork soon enough, and for now those thoughts would disappear and he would dwell on recent events.
Don't look back, she will suspect you. I'm so close, I only have a few more piles to go than I can go home.[/color]
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Post by Riza Hawkeye on Mar 2, 2007 20:49:15 GMT -5
As the buildings of Central drew near Riza let herself slip back into her neutral face. Following the Colonel she forced herself to focus on work, and her protection detail. She refused to let her mind wander any more, she knew that by focusing on the tasks at hand she would forget her obligations and problems.
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