Taking A Walk

[Roy Mustang]

The first winter chill had already entered the summer air, it was some kind of dull realization for Roy as he walked through the very uncrowded streets of Eastern. He walked as if he owned the place, his head held high, his onyx eyes pointed straight forward, his swagger was even more conceited as he progressed forward. Nothing seemed to be bothering him this evening, yet everything seemed to irritate him. He hadn't been sleeping so well at night lately. He had been having 'those dreams' again. They were more like nightmares, but he would never freely admit that to anyone, unless they were holding a gun to his head.

A pale dim evening light filtered through the blinds of filthy recruiting office located at the back of Eastern Headquarters. A tall young man with tanned skin stretched taunt across an angled face stared back at a young man with raven colored hair. The young man looked innocent and full of life.

Those had been the days.

The white office held a sort of glow to it as the dying gleam of outside light gave way and the flouresant lights from above took over as the main source of lighting for the room. "I want to join the military as a State Alchemist. How do I sign up?" The younger man enquired of the older. The recruiter tilted his head to the side studying the young man seated across from him. The desk that he sat at was piled high with applications and miscellaneous brochures and papers. He seemed intent enough on helping the younger one accomplish his goal. There was a certain determination that drew him to decide that this pale young man could someday be one of Amestris's finest.[/color]

The memory faded in Mustang's mind as he was abruptly drawn back to reality. The street lamps had begun to click on, one by one down a long row, and people had begun to disappear from the streets. Even though it was a Friday evening it was rare to find anyone out, it was mainly due to Eastern City's quiet reputation, it really was the middle of nowhere. This was somewhere that the famed Flame Alchemist barely thought that he belonged. But he would sit and wait out his torture here for an even greater reward later perhaps.

Roy knew that he needed a promotion more than anything, that was if he still wanted to accomplish his goal, and that was the only thing on his mind right now. That and trying to contain his own staff and the small mistake-making blonde known as Fullmetal. Every step Roy took was measured, so when suddenly he heard a trash can tumble over, he could only pause mid step and turn his head around quickly to see what or who had stirred.

[Riza Hawkeye]

"Colonel Mustang!! Sir," Riza caught up to him, Black Hayate following at her heels, "Sir, I have been looking everywhere for you, Lt. Havoc, told me you left the office without telling anyone! You know lately with all the dangerous people roaming around you are supposed to have someone with you at all times! You shouldn't worry us like that! Not only that but you have paperwork you are supposed to be doing."

[Roy Mustang]

Upon hearing a familiar voice Roy stopped in his tracks, he turned around slowly to confirm his belief. It was somehow strange seeing Hawkeye in such an atmosphere as the one that they currently found themselves in. She seemed much less out of place wandering the office where he usually saw her. The Colonel was tempted to say something on her random appearance, but he withheld his comment knowing better than to try to pull the Lieutenant's leg, he knew that she wasn't one to be screwed with. "Lieutenant contrary to the viewpoints of the majority of my office personel I am actually well-suited to be able to watch after myself." Roy shot back, it seemed if anything had been offended at that moment it had been his pride. He wasn't sure if she had thought much before she had spoken, but out of all the people at the office he was the least likely to need an escort. Roy's ego was far to big to let anyone attack him and get away with it.

Roy's blank stare seemed to account for the confidence that he felt about the situation. He had almost been sure that he had gotten away for tonight, but than again that was just a dream. He hadn't taken his black coat or his briefcase with him, so he wasn't anywhere close to finishing up this night.

More paperwork? When will it end?[/color]

Exhaustion was threatening to settle in, it was the toll of pulling many long nights locked up in the same office toiling over the same repeated loads of paperwork. After several years of loyal service, Roy had come to one conclusion and one conclusion only -- all government paperwork was the exact damn thing. Very few words deviated from one another when comparing two documents they could have been carbon copies of one another. Roy wondered briefly if he could get away with saying that he would do it later, but than Hawkeye might draw her gun. "Let's go." Roy said blandly as he turned on his heel to head in the direction that Hawkeye had come.

[Riza Hawkeye]

"I know it is getting tiresome, Sir," Riza sighed, "I am tired as well, but the faster we get it done the faster we can all go home. Fuery, Falman, and Brenda have all finished their paperwork, and Havoc was sleeping when I last saw him... but he did start working after I left. And besides we need to know if something happens to you, especially if it starts to rain, what will you do then if you are attacked."

She sighed, and glanced at him as she stopped walking allowing him to walk two steps in front of her, "And Sir, we are just like this because we want to keep you safe on your journey to the top."

Riza watched the Colonel ahead of her, he looked weary and somehow forlorn, she hoped he was okay and wished that he would stop being so reckless and throwing himself in danger. She let her hand slip down to her hand gun and rest there, ready to protect the Colonel from any danger that would try to harm him.

[Roy Mustang]

"Lieutenant." Roy's voice was now a different tone. "I can take of myself." His words were quick and his tone was cold, but he couldn't help but lay down the facts again. He knew as well as Hawkeye did that it was protocol these days that no officer above the rank of Colonel could be out on his or her own especially if they were an alchemist.

Regulations today are getting even more ridiculous.[/color]

Roy was stubborn, he wouldn't easily except being guarded, watched over, or babysitted twenty four hours a day if he wanted to step outside the door for a few minutes. It was obvious, it was one of his traits that was more easy to read than most of the others. Roy had now shoved his hands in his pockets and was walking forward at a moderate speed so that Hawkeye was able to keep a few steps behind him. The whole idea of having to be guarded every time he went outside was still a frustrating one which might have explained why he was holding himself a little higher now. It was an insault to his abilities as a shoulder, even though he knew it wasn't right to take out his opinions on Hawkeye when she regurgetated protocol in his direction so frequently it wanted to make him vomit sometimes. But than that was the military and he had to keep in mind that she was just trying to hold down her image, he knew that there was more to her than holding the whole military rulebook intact in her fluid mental memory. Roy let the silence hang, but than decided to apologise, he felt slightly bad for allowing his feelings towards this new protocol get the best of him.

"My apologies Lieutenant, I find this new rule ridiculous." That was all the explanation Roy felt it needed Hawkeye probably knew that those words were going to come eventually. It was a rare thing to see Roy Mustang apologise to anyone, but Hawkeye was one of the few that he allowed that priviledge.

[Riza Hawkeye]

Riza nodded stone faced, "I understand sir. You are not the only one who dislikes the new rules. Everyone is complaining, but it is my job to protect you and as much as you may dislike it, I will protect you with my life. Your goal is something truly noble... except the mini-skirt idea, and I will follow you all the way up."

Riza sighed, she really wished that Colonel would be a little less stuborn when it to came to being guarded, but that was how he had always been. Too stuborn for his own good. She stared at his back from three steps behind, silently thinking about what could happen and what needed to be done.

[Roy Mustang]

Roy continued to walk forwards, the promise of more paperwork threatening to drive him as far away from his own office as Earthly possible. But what could he do, he had to be there and he had to do that paperwork. It had been much simplier in the earlier days when he had first become a State Alchemist, than he had been given charge of something much better than an office and a staff of desk clerks. But than the war had come and ruined everything, it was something that they had been promised they would have to wait a lifetime to see. If it had been a lifetime it had been a short one, he had barely just passed the exam and was only a half year into his new post when tragedy struck. If that was what you wanted to call it. Like a good dog, Roy answered the call, and now years later he found himself regreting it.

Sure an office and a position such as his meant power, but he was quickly losing track of all the things that he loved doing. That was while being stimultaneously drowned in paperwork and complaints from subordinates and higher ups. As if they thought that he could solve all their problems. It would have been easier if his job had just consisted of walking the streets all day and reminanesing -sp?- about the past. Than there was the small fact that it wasn't very good to keep living in the past because that could endanger the future.

"How much paperwork is left?" Roy asked Hawkeye, even though he knew the number of sheets and the exact number of piles himself (he counted before he left). He had asked because it was a question to be answered, one that could be answered, and it was one that would take his mind off the other things that had been nagging his conscience all night.

[Riza Hawkeye]

Riza glanced back towards Colonel Mustang, then her eyes flickered back around their surroundings.

She calculated the piles of papers in her head before replying, "There are 3 stacks consisting of 28 papers each, plus one report about an alchemist who recently joined the military... but you already knew that didn't you??"

The first lieutenant was silent for a moment before inquiring, "If I am not intruding on anything... or speaking out of place, may I ask what is bothering you?"

[Roy Mustang]

The calculations were correct, as always. Roy hadn't been expecting her to be off on any of her figures, hell he probably could have asked her exactly where the papers sat and what reports were in what pile. She knew it all, it was both scary, and incredible, it was possibly the reason why she made such a good aide. There was that and the fact that she didn't waste anytime in getting down to business. She was concise, brief, and to the point, which is why her next quesiton shouldn't have surprised Mustang any. But it caught him off guard anyways.

Since when did she begin to consider prying intruding? Maybe she's beginning to see things my way after all.[/color]

The suggestion that appeared in Mustang's head seemed only like a faraway memory when the question really hit him. Mustang only tilted his head slightly in Hawkeye's direction, onyx eyes peering out from underneath the shadows of dark black hair. What was bothering him? It was as good a question as any, but somehow the words were far off from being found to answer the damn thing.

A strange small smile crossed Mustang's face, it was almost a familiar one that he hadn't worn for years.

How can you put something like that into words? Doesn't she know? She can't tell, it's hidden. It should stay like that, no one should know. No one can know, it will defeat the purpose of what I want to do. The past shouldn't survive, it should be forgotten, some distant lost memory.[/color]

"Just a few old ghosts." Mustang replied softly as if finally coming to grips with the situation. Lights went off in the center of Mustang's mind when he realized that he had voiced the sentence, he ahd actually given a verbal meaning to the words pouring forth from his head. It was painful to see it materialize before him, but it was just the truth. When it came to his friends he always tried to tell the truth, because some of them knew him to well to allow him to hide anything. He resigned to the feeling that had been ebbing away at his conscience all evening, it was an unspoken implied agreement. Hawkeye must have known it was the war - it was always the war. It was one of the qualities that never changed about Mustang, not since that day so many years earlier. Murder was a crime, but it was only a crime if someone found out. In his case he had committed that same crime countless times, for a frail fake cause, and now he was hiding, protected by the iron grip that the military had on the citizens. No one would see him as the gulity washed up man that he was becoming, from the outside he still looked powerful enough he was still an embelm of everything that was good and just. But than there were those feelings deep inside that told him otherwise.

[Riza Hawkeye]

Riza watched as the Colonel thought over her question, she saw him glance at her and saw the pain and deep thought in them. She knew that look, that was the look that Mustang always had in his eyes when he thought about the war. She sighed and wished he could forget about the war, but she knew no one who was in the war would ever forget. She let her eyes flicker shut for a moment remembering pulling the trigger over and over again, seeing so many innocents die.

She wished that he would forget about the past and move on into the future. Her hand shifted over to her guns and rested there. Her eyes rested on the ground as she remembered as well, "I understand...Sir."

[Roy Mustang]

][I'm waiting for Havoc to post in the other thread ....but I'm posting here xD -goes into emo!Mustang mode >>;; --

The burden was a great one to bear, but there were no words for painful old memories. They just existed, and now amount of force would expel them from Mustang's thoughts. They were memories that had the capability to drive him crazy, but nevertheless he still held onto them. He held onto them because they were one of the few things that he had left. Said memories had a certain power over him, a certain magnetic pull that always drew him back to thinking about them. Old memories of such horrific events never seemed to fade, but they could be shut out if one tried hard enough. Nearly all hours of the day they were still present, still hovering over him like a sort of dark cloud waiting for it's perfect moment to strike.

Roy was always alone when it happened - when they came flooding back. The skies would light up like they used to and the old soundtrack composed of blood crudling screams and boistrious noises of the bombs would fill his ears. It seemed as if the whole thing had gone instantly over to repeat, because it always seemed like years before the noises would stop. Than there was the smell. The smell of burning had been sweeter before the war, it had been nothing like the strong rancid smell of burning flesh. That was the smell that filled his nostrils now on occasion whenever he saw something burning. It had been months before that glitch had gone away. When he had first gotten back from the war everything had smelt like burning flesh whenever there was a fire set. He would snap his fingers without being overwhelmed by the smell. That odd sensation had finally passed though, after nearly a year. It had been enough to drive him insane, but somehow he kept his sanity. He kept his sanity as he had kept his life during the war, it had been a strange occurance, like an animal that refused to breath it's last dying breath even though it knew it wouldn't live for much longer. But he was young, and maybe that's where he had gone wrong. 'I understand... Sir'

Does she understand? She seems so ruthless, how can she comprehend such a thing? She has a heart too, she has feelings to go with it. Maybe she does know, I am being ignorant. But can she see it too? The blood, the fire, the lights? Why do I even care.. [/color]

Curiousity was enough to get the best of Mustang at times, but he wouldn't let the overwhelming sensation put even more words in his mouth. Instead he solemnly nodded acknowledging his subordinate as he continued along at a leisurely slow pace towards the office. He was definitely still in no hurry to get back.

[Riza Hawkeye]

Riza looked down towards the ground, she stared at the callouses on her hands, and her hands unconsciously formed the grip she always made on her guns. She remembered the past, the heat and sand of the desert. She didn't know how it felt to practically feel the people that she killed die. She didn't know the the strong scent of charred flesh and blood that hung in the battle field. She knew the scent from a distance, but Riza knew that the Colonel knew more horrors than she knew, but she could sympathize. But that was one of the reasons she loved her guns, she didn't have to feel her victims die.

Riza shuttered slightly at the memories, but forced herself to sink back into her usual facade. Contrary to popular belief she did have a heart, and feelings but, since people seemed to believe she didn't they tended to be a bit harsh, or rude to her, unless of course they were terrified of her.

She stared at the Colonel's back again as he nodded, and then glanced around at their surroundings, the Colonel really must not want to go back, because he was really taking his time, they really hadn't walked far in such a short time.

[Roy Mustang]

Roy could feel Riza's composure sank. Had he hit a nerve? Or maybe even something worse - possibly a terrible memory?

She has a heart, but you can be a real monster sometimes. The voice in the back of his head was beginning to sound wildly reasonably as he felt his feet dragging across the pavement. The scratch-scratch of the bottom of his leather boots dragging across the cement made Roy more aware of the fact that he was still breathing. So, life went on and people survived, but why it always have to seem like life would end so suddenly?

War had brought him crashing back to reality. He had been young, too young to really understand the physics and the philosophy of life and death. War had given him knowledge beyond his years and nearly driven him to the brink of insanity. Thank God for Maes Hughes. He was one of the few people that had saved him. Possibly the one that had made the biggest impression upon Roy during those months that he had locked himself inside his room. Yes, the world had started to turn again during those hours that Maes had spent with him, but it had only begun to right itself. Now here he stood maybe a decade or so later and everything still seemed somehow reverted, as if someone had flipped the world upside down but it refused to bounce back. Maybe that was the suspended reality, a sort of diluted concept that he would never grasp.

I'm still alive. But do I really deserve this? Stop it already, stop showing your pain. It will only make others suffer. You've hurt enough people in your lifetime, now it's time to reconcile and recompensate for those lives that were lost at your hands.

I have blood on my hands.[/color]

Roy mused with these thoughts, they were the same state of mind that was always ebbing away at his own conscience. It was what motivated him to do good, to rise in the ranks. But these same feelings were also slowly sucking the life out of him. They were draining him of the things that he needed to survive. Perhaps it was these same thoughts that made him appear all that much paler that moment as he looked back at Hawkeye after seeing her shudder out of the corner of his eye. "Cold?" He asked, his tone wasn't convincing, Hell the question wasn't convincing. Roy knew damn well that she wasn't cold, she was scared. He had brought up the topic now it was up to him to save the conversation.

'Why must you dwell on things that should be long gone and dead? Those people ARE dead, you're not bringing them back. They ARE gone. You KILLED them. Your thoughts, your condolences, your words are worthless. One day you will get what you deserve.' Those words. Why do they still seem so clear?[/color]

Expressionless as his face was, Roy had to avert his eyes down towards the concrete because the fire inside them was threatening to burn out. His own thoughts ran like water in a neverending stream. He was nearly sure now that he wouldn't stop beating himself up over the matter. It was safe to say that he was stranded on an island of thought that had advertised no return.

[Riza Hawkeye]

Riza stared at the Colonel, "No... I am not cold... just memories, you know how that is..."

She knew that he knew that she wasn't cold and that he was just trying avoid talking about the war, she hated it when he was like this, he locked himself up within himself and wouldn't talk out what was bothering him, even though she knew, in her heart that it was definatly the war.

"Sometimes, Sir, it helps to just let loose, and talk about our emotions to someone we really trust," Riza said quietly almost, to quiet to be heard.

[Roy Mustang]

'.....just memories you know how that is.'

I know. I know. I do know. Why is it always so damn hard to talk about? I can't mumur a word about it without feeling guilty. It's almost like talking bad about the deceased at a funeral.

".....Yes." Roy said softly after a long pause between thoughts. He begun to wonder now why he had brought such a thing to her attention in the first place. Now the conversation would get complicated, he would wallow again in a puddle of his own guilt and somewhat warped self-pity. It was the same 'why me?' affect that had bothered him since day one. It only seemed to be getting worse as time wore on, although someone had once told him that the feeling would thin out with age. Like a fine wine feelings only seemed to intensify in flavor, they grew sharper which made it more likely to get cut. Roy was nearly sure that he was getting cut right now - if not shredded to pieces. He was at the mercy of himself, the ultimate enemy out of all the faceless men that he had fought before.

Why does she have to do this to me here? And especially now? She can tell I'm vulnerable. She knows my weaknesses, she must know my fears. She doesn't know that this strategy won't work on me. To tear someone down just to rebuild them.... it's been attempted before. I'll fall apart. The most important thing for me to do now is to let her know that it isn't working. No.... don't say that.

"Some people aren't that free, Riza." Using her name for emphasis at the end of the sentence Roy was sure that she would back down. He wasn't exactly that sure, he was just hopeful about it. He didn't want to enter that state of mind tonight, he couldn't bare to even think about it.

I should have pulled that trigger when I had the chance. Look at the corner you've backed yourself into now.[/color]

It was true, he lacked the "freedom" that he had fought for. Perhaps that was the price of freedom, a sort of twisted imprisonment for those who had fought that war. Maybe that freedom that they had fought so hard for was just a figment of their imaginations, a place in their minds quarantined to only those who hadn't seen the "horrors." Roy blinked, she had said more, it was bound to get him into trouble if not hysterics. The tension was stil readily building after all those years. Yes, it was wraping itself into a nice little ball in the back of his mind, it was just waiting to burst or to flow freely from between his lips. Either way it would mean the downfall of his image, or reputation, or both.